They say there is more to life than having everything. So true. So apt. A number of questions about my life have their answers hidden in the way I feel and sense things. My emotions are governed by the people around me. The people I love. The people I need. I call myself an insecure person and the realization struck me pretty recently. The consideration to this fact came as a consequence of remembering things from the past, analyzing the present I have and heeding to the apprehensions of the future. We all are scared to lose. Losing can come in different forms. An athlete is afraid of losing a race. A sportsman is anxious about losing a match. A professional, in whatsoever field he/she is, is scared of failure; the failure that might amend the track of life, the planned course of action. But, if you talk about me; I am scared to lose people. That is when I comprehend how my desire to have ‘everything’ I want is overruled by the utmost need of my life: Love.
I remember how I tackled a loss for the first time. I was 15 and I lost my aunt to the hands of death. I had lost people before her; my grandparents, for instance; except I didn’t take too long to come out of it. I was small when they passed away; lighthearted and playful. But, when I lost my aunt (I used to call her ‘Ma’), my world came to a halt. It took me a really long time to take in and accept the loss. Eventually, I moved on.
I lost friends I loved, especially those I loved the most. It was all because of the ‘distance’ that creeps in relationships; the space that tends to widen because of things you could never think of. These people adorn my memories, my childhood but when I look at this from another viewpoint: They are lost. I do not have them; don’t know whether I need them, however; every so often I feel that I ‘want’ them because I hate to lose relationships.
There has been more of it, more deaths, more distance, more losses, more panic and more of insecurity. Today, life is indeed beautiful with a tinge of misery every now and then. I plan things for the future with my best friends. I dream of having my loved ones around forever. I imagine the time when I will be 40 and will still be writing mails to people who matter or when I’ll be 50 and would be spending hours on the phone talking to my friends; the friends of my present who I expect to be around me, with an unchanged warmth and affection even years from now. Of course, I can’t be sure. Hence I know this cannot go on forever. In the years to come, I might lose some relationships and gain some. I might live a future unlike the one I have imagined and I might lose touch with the people who exist in my life, for now.
But, wait…I am not supposed to do that. The sentiment that overpowers every other feeling is that of love and if there is love, your relations remain there, as delightful and intact as they had always been. When I look back, I know I miss people from my past; nevertheless, I also know that I love them and embrace every single memory I have of them. I still smile when I memorize those little times when they touched my heart and my soul. Now, I believe that the true art of living comes from learning to let go and hold on. With this I feel a little less insecure, a tad more absolute and certainly more contented to have some tender relationships I can fall back on, any day, at any moment.
P.S: For the people who have tolerated me for years till date; I would just want to leave a special message: Thank you for holding on to me, even now. I love you 🙂