Darkness. Not like the one that swallows me in a gulp; but like the one that chews me bit by bit; tearing my insides and my outsides; clinging on to me at some moments and pushing me away at others. Darkness. I have always been more of a night person, so the shadows of the dark have never bothered me or made me anxious. They have given me stillness, love, introspection and little parts of my own self over the years. For me, darkness doesn’t essentially represent the night; it’s more of an expression that defines a blank state of mind; a phase where I do not get a glimpse of any ray of light coming my way; a phase that dampens my spirit in an incomprehensible manner. That’s darkness.
Today, this dimness is accompanied by a cold that makes me shiver. Does that happen to you? Perhaps they call it a panic attack. May be they label it as stress or apprehension or anxiety or nothing. I do not divulge many depressing thoughts here but then you know it’s my space, one thing that will always remain mine. I had to write about this to comfort myself of the togetherness that this space will always offer me. If you feel like saying we’ll all be left alone someday, I’ll ask you-‘Who do you have with you today?’ I glance all over for an answer myself and then I recognize that I have my space, these words, which possibly would never come out and wipe off my tears or hug me for solace but they’d silently do little nothings to make me feel warm. They’d do some magic.
There was a time when I was a very positive person. People would literally come up to me and say-‘How can you be happy no matter what.’ Ironically, today, I feel so negative. The gasps of my breath make me feel alternatively weak and strong; tepid and cold. No, I am not passing this on to you so that you can sympathize with me or ask me what’s wrong or anything of the sort. I am writing about this so that you know that life is really not painless for any of us. I know yours is as fucked up as mine and we’ll all have to get over things. We’ll all have to come out of it. We do not have an option. That’s the only thing that makes sense. That’s the only thing that matters in the end.
I am looking around for an inspiration, an insight; for something that would make me want to live, wholly. For something that would ease my soreness and unease. We have all had dark times and sometimes it’s all okay to embrace darkness. I am doing just that for now: Holding on to this shade and letting it chew me bit by bit till it shows me the light that I yearn for. The light that will help me stand up, stir, walk, run, climb and fall down. But, know what? I’ll stand up again. I promise.