We have all sensed ‘change’ countless number of times. Remember how you felt when you first went to school leaving your parents behind? And then, when you lost a close one to the hands of destiny or the time when you moved to a new house, a new city and a new school. That transition from high school to university, graduation to a job, ultimate reliance to an independent subsistence, failure to success or the delight of victory to the despair of loss; everything brought along a little bit of change, a bizarre transformation and an essential awareness of life.
I like how Libba Bray puts it in her book, The Sweet Far Thing:
“And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time.”
The last one year led to a multitude of alterations in my life. I don’t think I need to thoroughly reiterate how I quit my job, went off to travel, came back home, understood loneliness, fought with those bouts of depression and redundancy, carved my path through some new avenues and then took on the most significant change of life as I got married in the beginning of the new year. So, once again, I have an altered home, I reside in another city, am part of a new family and I am trying to find myself throughout the entire process of changes and renovations.
What I have learnt is that, it doesn’t really matter. Okay, you get ‘married’ and feel a little vulnerable to everything that’s happening around you, everything that tries to turn you into someone you never were or bring you closer to situations that you might not have appreciated in the past. Also, it feels a little weird to believe that you have to let go of the young carefree side of you and hold on to the grown-up conscientious aspect. Perhaps that is why we are always so scared of a nuptial. It has that bent to shake us up. And yet, it doesn’t really matter because it’s not as big a thing to separate us from the very essence of who we are.
The last few days, what most people have asked me are questions concerned with this ‘new’ life, survival as a ‘married’ woman or the joy as well as the grief associated with it. What perturbs me is not how little things change every day but the realization that you are suddenly supposed to find a fresh meaning of your existence. I haven’t done that yet. Because I refuse to entirely amend the person I am only because of ‘one’ day, a few ceremonies or the ‘tag’ that comes along with it.
Yes, so even though I am not ‘available’ anymore, I still have crushes. I still read and love to write. I dream every day, every night and hope to make those come true. I am still a little sloppy, go crazy about food, am passionate about traveling, spend hours talking to my friends, feel cold in the morning, love rains and coffee, act insanely, squander time doing nothing and get irritated for no reasons. Marriage doesn’t have the potential to change the elements of my individuality because I have seen bigger things, both better and worse and I have discovered a stronger and more wonderful version of myself over the years. I intend to keep that in place. And I hope you know that matters.